r/Jokes • u/carmabound • Aug 19 '20
r/Jokes has a search feature, input the title or punchline of your joke (before posting) and if it's been posted within the last month - please don't submit it.
r/Jokes • u/JokeSentinel • Jul 11 '22
MODPOST Let's discuss spam, spammers, and the spamming spammers who spam.
What did the moderator say to the subscribers?
Nobody knows, because nobody ever reads what moderators write.
Yes, it was a bad joke, but at least it wasn't a repost... which is kind of what we're here to discuss today:
As many of you are no doubt aware, spammers and bad actors have been flooding Reddit lately, and /r/Jokes has started to get hit pretty hard. Dealing with the issue isn't as easy as it sounds, though, because any action that we take has the potential to affect good-faith users. Still, we've been discussing the problem, and we've come up with the beginnings of a solution:
We're going to ban every last one of our subscribers.
Just kidding! In fact, we're going to give you a bit more insight into how spammers work, what their goals are, and why they're so effective on Reddit. This information will be included on our complete rules page, which we've also streamlined and updated. (The rules themselves haven't changed; we've just made them a bit clearer and more condensed.) Our hope is that you'll be able to recognize and report spammers when you see them, which will help us keep them from gaining more of a foothold here.
We'll be taking some other anti-spam actions behind the scenes, so rest assured, we aren't trying to dump the spam-fighting on you. We just figured that it was better to keep everyone informed... because after all, /r/Jokes is a community, and a community is only as smart as its dumbest member.
(Yes, the moderators count as members, and yes, we're easily the dumbest.)
Thank you for reading, and remember to report spam when you see it!
r/Jokes • u/Cal_Aesthetics_Club • 8h ago
Interviewer: Would you mind explaining this 4-year gap on your resume?
Me: I went to Yale during this time period.
Interviewer: Wow, excellent! You’re hired!
Me: Thank you! I really needed this yob!
r/Jokes • u/OvidPerl • 4h ago
Long An Irishman is diagnosed with incurable cancer.
An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked O'Malley in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can't be cured, you'd best put your affairs in order."
O'Malley was shocked and saddened; but of solid character, he managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. To his son who had been waiting, O'Malley said, "Well son. We Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints."
After 3 or 4 pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating.
O'Malley told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I have been diagnosed with AIDS."
The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple more beers. After his friends left, O'Malley's son whispered his confusion.
"Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!"
O'Malley said, " I don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."
r/Jokes • u/Ankit1000 • 11h ago
Walks into a bar An old man walks into a bar....
He sees a sign that says,
"Cheese Sandwich: $1.50;
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50;
Hand Job: $10.00."
Checking his wallet for the cash, he walks up to the bar and beckons to a gorgeous blonde serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.
"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?"
"I was wondering," whispers the man, "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?"
"Yes," she says seductively, "I am."
The man replies, "Well, wash your damn hands, I want a cheese sandwich"
r/Jokes • u/Glass_Pension4599 • 3h ago
Long A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership
Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. Amazing, he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, What am I doing? I'm too old for this, and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.
r/Jokes • u/jonnyprophet • 13h ago
Walks into a bar A cowboy walks into the bar, only to find it's empty.
Only the bartended, polishing a glass, is behind the bar.
"Where's everyone at?" Asks the cowpoke.
"At the hangin'." Bartender says.
"Hangin'?!" The cowboy asks. "Hadn't heard. Who are they stringing up?"
"The Brown Paper Kid."
"The Brown Paper Kid?"
"That's right. Wears brown paper pants, brown paper vest, even a brown paper hat." Bartender nods looking at the glass.
"Damn. Never heard of him. What's they get him for?" Asks the cowboy.
r/Jokes • u/Glass_Pension4599 • 19h ago
Walks into a bar A woman Walks Into A Butchery Just Before Closing and Asks, "Do You Still Have Chicken?"
The Butcher Opens His Deep Freezer, Takes Out The Only Chicken Left and Puts It On The Scale, And It Weighed 1.5 kg.
The Woman Looks At The Chicken and At The Scale And Asked, "Do You Have One That's a Bit Bigger Than This One?"
The Butcher Puts His Only Chicken Back Into The Freezer, and Then Takes It Out Again, But This Time When He Puts It On The Scale; He Craftily Keeps His Thumb on The Scale Pan And The Scale Now Showed 2 kg
"That's Wonderful," Said The Woman. "I'll Take both Chickens, please!"
r/Jokes • u/Alpha-Studios • 11h ago
I was digging in my garden the other day and found a chest full of gold coins
I WANTED TO RUN STRAIGHT HOME AND TELL MY WIFE ABOUT IT.
THEN I REMEMBERED WHY I WAS DIGGING
Walks into a bar A lone cowboy nobody knew walks into a mining town bar..
He orders two drinks which he downs slowly. When he was done with his drinks, he paid the bartender and walks out to see that his horse with all his stuff is missing.
He turns around, walks back in the bar, pulls his guns from his holster and shoots them in the air.
"Which ever one of you cow dung stole my horse better have it back by the time I finish my next drink, other wise I am going to have to do what I did in Texas. And trust me, I don't want to ever do that again".
He walks back to the bar, gets another drink, and slowly drinks it. The people in the bar started murmuring, talking amongst themselves and looking at the stranger with fear in their eyes.
The stranger finishes his drink, walks out and his horse was there where he left it. He got up on it, when the bartender and the bar patrons ran out after him.
The bartender said "Mister, we are sorry for what happened. But please tell us what happened in Texas after somebody stole your horse?"
The stranger looked at him and said, "I had to walk home".
r/Jokes • u/bria9509 • 22h ago
Why wasn't Princess Leia married before she met Han Solo?
She was looking for love in Alderaan places
r/Jokes • u/ITotalyWon • 18h ago
What do you call Bob the Builder when he retires?
r/Jokes • u/Crusnik_X • 16h ago
Long My Favorite Cowboy Joke
A cowboy walks into a bar. He says to the barkeep, “I’ll have a shot of your best tequila.”
The bartender serves him the tequila and he knocks it back, slams the shot glass on the bar, and shouts, “T.G.I.F.”
A Latino man, sitting across the bar from the cowboy, orders a shot of the same tequila. When he gets it, he knocks it back, slams the shot glass on the bar, and shouts, “S.P.I.T.”
The cowboy turns to look and notices that the Latino man is staring right at him. Thinking it to be a challenge, he orders another shot of tequila. Once again, he knocks it back, slams the shot glass on the bar, and shouts, “T.G.I.F.”
The Latino man responds in kind, knocking back another shot, slamming the shot glass on the bar, and shouting, S.P.I.T.”
The bartender watching this whole back-and-forth as it continues to go on becomes more confused and annoyed with every shot that’s called for. After a few more rounds of this, he decides he’s seen and heard enough. He walks up to the cowboy and asks, “Excuse me, Sir, but do you know what ‘T.G.I.F’ means?”
“Hell yeah, I know what it means,” the cowboy exclaims. “Thank God It’s Friday!”
The bartender then approached the Latino man and asked, “Excuse me, Señor, but I have to ask. What does ‘S.P.I.T.’ mean?”
The Latino man looks at the cowboy and says, “Stupid Pendejo! It’s Thursday!”
r/Jokes • u/porichoygupto • 10h ago
Hulk Hogan had to overcome serious mental issues in order to be famous.
He had to..wrestle mania.
r/Jokes • u/VivaIbiza • 3h ago
What do you call two guy best friends who love math?
r/Jokes • u/Ihavemeditatedalot • 17h ago
Not my joke, but I've only heard it in brazilian portuguese (I'm brazilian)
Two schizophrenic guys are in a mental hospital, one of them points to the clock and asks "Is this thing working as it is suposed to?", the other says "If it were it wouldn't be here"
r/Jokes • u/6bruhman9 • 2h ago
What do you call a group of trans women with superpowers
r/Jokes • u/Alpha-Studios • 11h ago
I was so lonely that I super glued a cup of coffee to the roof of my car
Now everybody waves at me.
r/Jokes • u/Skittles481 • 17h ago
Where is it announced that a Karen has died?
r/Jokes • u/AcidBathVampire • 3h ago
On the one hand, masturbation is ok
But on the other hand, it's great!
r/Jokes • u/tkdart19 • 1d ago
My father believed that men learn by just doing things and figuring it out so when I was 3 my dad threw me into the ocean.
To teach himself CPR.
r/Jokes • u/vishuskitty • 1d ago
Why did the Grim Reaper schedule an appointment with his eye doctor?
He was having issues with his death perception.
r/Jokes • u/IntentionalTexan • 13h ago
What do you get if you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
'ell if I know.
r/Jokes • u/ElderCunningham • 1d ago
My friend said she couldn't afford to pay her huge water bill
So I sent her a "get well soon" card.
r/Jokes • u/DoubleFishes • 12h ago
What's the name of Liverpool in a parallel dimension?