Me: I went to Yale during this time period.

Interviewer: Wow, excellent! You’re hired!

Me: Thank you! I really needed this yob!

An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked O'Malley in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can't be cured, you'd best put your affairs in order."

O'Malley was shocked and saddened; but of solid character, he managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. To his son who had been waiting, O'Malley said, "Well son. We Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints."

After 3 or 4 pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating.

O'Malley told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I have been diagnosed with AIDS."

The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple more beers. After his friends left, O'Malley's son whispered his confusion.

"Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!"

O'Malley said, " I don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."

He sees a sign that says,

"Cheese Sandwich: $1.50;

Chicken Sandwich: $2.50;

Hand Job: $10.00."

Checking his wallet for the cash, he walks up to the bar and beckons to a gorgeous blonde serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?"

"I was wondering," whispers the man, "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?"

"Yes," she says seductively, "I am."

The man replies, "Well, wash your damn hands, I want a cheese sandwich"

Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. Amazing, he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, What am I doing? I'm too old for this, and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

Only the bartended, polishing a glass, is behind the bar.

"Where's everyone at?" Asks the cowpoke.

"At the hangin'." Bartender says.

"Hangin'?!" The cowboy asks. "Hadn't heard. Who are they stringing up?"

"The Brown Paper Kid."

"The Brown Paper Kid?"

"That's right. Wears brown paper pants, brown paper vest, even a brown paper hat." Bartender nods looking at the glass.

"Damn. Never heard of him. What's they get him for?" Asks the cowboy.

"Rustling."

The Butcher Opens His Deep Freezer, Takes Out The Only Chicken Left and Puts It On The Scale, And It Weighed 1.5 kg.

The Woman Looks At The Chicken and At The Scale And Asked, "Do You Have One That's a Bit Bigger Than This One?"

The Butcher Puts His Only Chicken Back Into The Freezer, and Then Takes It Out Again, But This Time When He Puts It On The Scale; He Craftily Keeps His Thumb on The Scale Pan And The Scale Now Showed 2 kg

"That's Wonderful," Said The Woman. "I'll Take both Chickens, please!"

I WANTED TO RUN STRAIGHT HOME AND TELL MY WIFE ABOUT IT.
THEN I REMEMBERED WHY I WAS DIGGING

He orders two drinks which he downs slowly. When he was done with his drinks, he paid the bartender and walks out to see that his horse with all his stuff is missing.

He turns around, walks back in the bar, pulls his guns from his holster and shoots them in the air.

"Which ever one of you cow dung stole my horse better have it back by the time I finish my next drink, other wise I am going to have to do what I did in Texas. And trust me, I don't want to ever do that again".

He walks back to the bar, gets another drink, and slowly drinks it. The people in the bar started murmuring, talking amongst themselves and looking at the stranger with fear in their eyes.

The stranger finishes his drink, walks out and his horse was there where he left it. He got up on it, when the bartender and the bar patrons ran out after him.

The bartender said "Mister, we are sorry for what happened. But please tell us what happened in Texas after somebody stole your horse?"

The stranger looked at him and said, "I had to walk home".

She was looking for love in Alderaan places

Bob.

A cowboy walks into a bar. He says to the barkeep, “I’ll have a shot of your best tequila.”

The bartender serves him the tequila and he knocks it back, slams the shot glass on the bar, and shouts, “T.G.I.F.”

A Latino man, sitting across the bar from the cowboy, orders a shot of the same tequila. When he gets it, he knocks it back, slams the shot glass on the bar, and shouts, “S.P.I.T.”

The cowboy turns to look and notices that the Latino man is staring right at him. Thinking it to be a challenge, he orders another shot of tequila. Once again, he knocks it back, slams the shot glass on the bar, and shouts, “T.G.I.F.”

The Latino man responds in kind, knocking back another shot, slamming the shot glass on the bar, and shouting, S.P.I.T.”

The bartender watching this whole back-and-forth as it continues to go on becomes more confused and annoyed with every shot that’s called for. After a few more rounds of this, he decides he’s seen and heard enough. He walks up to the cowboy and asks, “Excuse me, Sir, but do you know what ‘T.G.I.F’ means?”

“Hell yeah, I know what it means,” the cowboy exclaims. “Thank God It’s Friday!”

The bartender then approached the Latino man and asked, “Excuse me, Señor, but I have to ask. What does ‘S.P.I.T.’ mean?”

The Latino man looks at the cowboy and says, “Stupid Pendejo! It’s Thursday!”

He had to..wrestle mania.

Algebros

Two schizophrenic guys are in a mental hospital, one of them points to the clock and asks "Is this thing working as it is suposed to?", the other says "If it were it wouldn't be here"

The ex-men

Now everybody waves at me.

The obitchuary

But on the other hand, it's great!

To teach himself CPR.

He was having issues with his death perception.

'ell if I know.

So I sent her a "get well soon" card.

Spleenbasin